“At the foot of the Cross
I can trade these ashes in for beauty
and wear forgiveness like a crown.
Coming to kiss the feet of Mercy,
I lay every burden down”
-At the Foot of the Cross, Kathryn Scott
Lately I’ve been king of an emotional ping pong ball, feeling tossed back and forth by life, springing in seconds from one side of the table: gratitude, worship, and joy, to the other: confusion, forlorn apathy, and acute awareness of my own depravity and self-centered-ness. The strangest moments have been the ones where I feel all these things at once, and it’s not like my emotions are torn. It’s more like I’ve been feeling each emotion 100% and therefore have been emotionally stretched, operating at over-capacity. It’s caused me to just blank out sometimes, spending whole evenings at home just being away from people. Instead of reading, I’ve been turning on the tv more, because it’s mindless. And mindlessness is what I want, if only to relieve the crazed goings on in my head!
Here’s the long and short of it: (and sorry Emily and Kaycee if you’re reading a lot of this again)
I still don’t have a car. It looks like my answer has been found, though. Emily’s sister is selling me her car, a 96 Corolla, for $600. And I’m so happy about it… now. but last week was, well… last week was just a bitch! I had two different cars fall out from under me. two days in a row my mechanic, Jim, and I drove nearly to denver and then past denver to go look at cars. The first one, I found out half way there that the guy had sold it and didn’t have the courtesy to call me before I left even though I left repeated messages asking him to please do so. the second day, jim and I drove to Thornton, CO, about an hour and a half away, to look at what appeared to be and was described to me as a great deal, a Civic. Yeah, not so. basically some kid thought he’d made it into something out of the Fast & the Furious. It was just ridiculous and ridiculously crappy, tons of problems, not the least of which was a dash board that had been completely switched out, making the low miles he’d advertised a complete lie. I wanted to smash his stupid, wanna be thug head on his car’s crappy, tied-down hood! Alas, I did not. we just drove back.
I didn’t get a job I applied for. Not only did I not get the job, but they emailed me like 5 minutes after I sent in the application saying they were pursuing other applicants. Can you even look at an application in 5 minutes? Am I THAT obviously inept?! This was no normal job. This was the one I thought would allow me to go back to school finally. So the rejection was a lot further reaching than just not getting a job, at least in my mind and heart.
Emily’s dating now. Tony’s a great guy. I like him more all the time, and she seems really happy and really wise about this whole thing. Emily’s a lot of things: deep, funny, ambitious, lazy, goofy, spontaneous, smart. But in talking to her about Tony, she sounded wise almost, like she could see the situation from the outside, something I just don’t think happens often for any of us. [Sorry Em… you’re pretty brilliant sometimes, but wise is a different adjective than I’m used to using for your brilliance!] Anyway, my go-to/hey-I’m-bored-wanna-do-something friend is now busier than ever, and her priorities have shifted. We still hang out often. It’s just that for what is beginning to seem like a perpetually single person, it sometimes seems like “another one bites the dust” and subsequently “but I wanna bite the dust, too!”
In this situation, been there, done that. it only gets slightly easier. Wanting to be known is a longing that just doesn’t subside.
My dad is interviewing in Georgia and Kentucky for jobs. His job may or may not be in danger. For those of you who were around during their move from florida to Colorado, in the time before I decided to move with them, I was NOT a pretty picture. I think most of you didn’t get to see it. my boyfriend at the time got to see the full psychotic episodes. there were times I was sobbing so hard he couldn’t discern what I was even saying or crying about. It would come out of nowhere and stay for days, the aching in me without them. Even the THOUGHT of that possibly happening again has been enough to send me into panic if I allow myself to think about it.
The earthquake in Haiti.
A new crush.
Emotional overload.
And in all this, God’s been revealing Himself, or rather the lack of His qualities in me. I mean, I know this is a process, and I know that my good works will never outweigh my bad, for even my righteousness is as filthy rags (which by the way, the literal meaning of that is “menstrual garments”… shudder).
Any one of these things by itself would’ve been pretty mundane, a blip. But all together, I started thinking that this world is cruel and deserves bitterness and anger as a response. But, believing wholly that God is not surprised or reactionary, by saying “this world is cruel”, really I’m saying God is cruel. The God who slain His perfect Son to make me whole, cruel?
WHO DO I THINK I AM?!
So then there’s the reckoning, coming back to Him with bowed head and tear-brimmed spirit, knowing more fully I’m not worthy, and He is not worthy of my doubt or frustration. Knowing that what I’ve given Him in the past week falls infinitely short of what I want to give Him, that’s been humbling beyond what I know how to handle.
You guys know me. I want to MAKE it better. I always want to earn it, and I put walls between myself and the Lord until I feel I’ve earned His presence in my life again.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
Anyway… He’s getting me through it. the simple truth of the matter is that He won’t leave me. He’s so persistent in loving me and not moving from my reach. He’s patient. I need His patience more than I need His love, I think, for without His long-suffering, I’d never even make it to the Love-accepting part.
But, needless to say, last week was cuh-razy in my head. I’m so glad no one but me and Jehovah dwell there. I wouldn’t wish that psychobabble on anyone!
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