How i've been feeling God sees me

I know that's a kind of confusing name for a blog post. however, as i've not been feeling clear-minded that much lately, i decided to leave it as a fair respresentation.

i went to a young adults small group last night. it belongs to my friend Sarah's church, not mine. but the young adults group at my church is a lot more young than adult, and i don't want surfacey relationships. i just don't value them. maybe that's wrong. whatever.

the very first thing the teacher said at this group last night was "i have two questions for you: 1) how do you view God? 2) How do you think God views you?

the first i would answer as loving, powerful, incredibly invested in our lives, holy

the second, and this is the one that surprised me, i answered "He loves me always, but i think maybe He's exhausted with loving me."

i hadn't ever thought that so clearly and quickly before. i couldn't ever put my finger on it. but it surprised me that i came to that concise answer so quickly. the fact of the matter is, I'M exhausted with my flesh. it's not that i'm making huge mistakes or rebelling. it's that sometimes all i can see are my mistakes and the times when i'm unfaithful. why is my first response upon disappointment frustration with God? why do i always doubt FIRST and then gather faith later? He's proven His reliability and unfathomable love a million times over, and yet i run to other lovers.

i have a hard time just coming back and not wanting to earn my salvation (not in a broad sense, but in the day to day comings back to Jesus). i want to PROVE to Him that He didn't forgive me in vain, that i'll be better next time. and sometimes that's true, but mostly i still mess up in the same ways as before. Therefore, i exhaust myself.

i can't allow myself to project my own fed-up-ness onto Him. are we not as far apart in character as the sun and moon? He makes me holy, but in myself i'm anything but.

i was able to identify, by way of the speaker's lesson, this problem of mine as a lie. i'd thought of it as my own flawed thinking, not an attack of the enemy. it's so much easier to fight an external enemy once you know who it is.

a woman prayed over me "Sam, God wants me to tell you you're beautiful. He finds you beautiful even in your darkness."

maybe that's not an epiphany to you; i know i've heard at least a hundred times that i'm God's prize. But it hit me hard at this point, when all i feel so often is the weight of my darkness and my tremendous undeserving in His radiance.

also... i read recently the quote "God expects you to fail far more than you expect yourself to fail." how freeing. i expect myself to get better and to progress and to never do it again. God's not so naive.