Amen, Come Lord Jesus

So I know that the rapture is Biblical.  It’s going to happen.  When and what it’ll look like are mysteries to all but the Father.  I was about 95% sure that the rapture wasn’t going to happen this past weekend.  I mean, crazies are crazies. 

 

But what’s funny is that I found a serious sense of exciting building in me last week.  I wanted the rapture to happen, and when Saturday came and went and life carried on as normal, I felt let down.  I was sad because I’m still here and Jesus didn’t return, and I kind of still am.

 

At church on Sunday, the last song we sang was “You Hold Me Now” by Hillsong.  The chorus goes like this: 

 

No weeping, no hurt or pain
No suffering

You hold me now
You hold me now

No darkness, no sick or lame
No hiding

You hold me now
You hold me now

 

I looked around while we sang this chorus, and hands were raised to Heaven all over the sanctuary, as if people were reaching away from this world and toward the next, like kids reaching for their Mommas on tiptoes.  And I did the same.

 

The words of this song have bugged me in the past because it’s like we’re wanting so badly to be where everything’s perfect instead of wanting to be with the One who IS perfection, a classic example of wanting God for what He can give you, also a classic example of my tendency toward criticizing the church.  Regardless, this Sunday it really resonated.  I’m here in this fallen world, left to wait on my Love’s return.  And in the meantime, in this incredible, prolonged season of waiting and learning, I must endure hardship and sickness and heartache.  I must live each day with this longing in me that simply will not be fulfilled until He returns or kills me.  All this hating of time, work, difficulty in relationships, all the money woes and self esteem issues, the distance I can’t cover, not to mention my inability to teleport no matter how I will it so, they’re all symptoms, groanings indicative of the gap fixed between myself and God.  This gap pains Him, too, but He sees the end, His glorification the ultimate purpose.  I have confidence in this finish line, and I want it, too, by whatever means.

 

I guess right now I’m just tired of the pining, of this thing in me that cries out, sick of my own thoughts which constantly dwell on my own welfare.  I’m tired of not being able to escape the laws of physical need.  I’d like to be sustained by His very presence instead of air and food and water and sleep.  Can you imagine being completely satisfied by the Music surrounding His throne?  Meeting and rejoicing with the whole of Christendom, in relationships that aren’t strained by differences and enculturation but brought together by a common transformation?

 

Lately it’s as if things and people and worries and lists pile up.  But instead of towering higher and diverting attention or growing into a monument for worship, they create this negative space of longing.  But the air in this space is charged with anticipation of Christ’s return.  And I wish it’d happened this past weekend.

 

I’ve been told that I’ll feel differently when I have children, that I’ll have more to lose and will be more hesitant for the end of all this.  But I urge you, if you’re reading this but can’t feel the desperation of the matter, examine yourself.  Your kids may well be your idol.  Your job or success or ministry or experience might be. 

 

He’s all the good there is.  When something is touched by Him it becomes worthwhile.  He satisfies.  He’s enough and more for every need.  He’s the answer to every question.  Everything beautiful points to Him.  The thing that makes you happiest is a trash dump when set in comparison to His face.

 

Long for Him.  Tell Him you want His return, because He spends every moment pining for You and died in order to make it possible.  If you don’t long for Him, ask for revelation, and He’ll respond.  That’s who He is.

 

Come, Lord Jesus.  Come.  Do not be slow.  Do not withhold Heaven from us, but come down and wrap us up in You.  Prove Your victory.  May every knee bow, and soon.

 

It's Cleanse Time!

“All things are lawful for me”, but not all things are helpful.  “All things are lawful for me,” but I will not be enslaved by anything.  Food is meant for the stomach and the stomach for food—and God will destroy both on and the other.  1 Corinthians 6: 12-13

 

A few weeks ago, my roommates and I talked about doing a cleanse.  We have all thought about doing it in the past, individually, but never actually pursued it.  I think people do that a lot.  “Man, it’d be so cool to just move randomly to a new place.  Start fresh, be spontaneous.”  “I should dye my hair bright blue.”  “I should only eat fruits and vegetables for a couple weeks so my body can feel better.”  You know, stuff that’s ultimately good for you but takes some fear-conquering and perseverance.  Well it would’ve been just another someday conversation, except Brittany, the little punk that she is, decided it was actually going to happen and kept asking for a specific start date!  Grr.

 

That start date is today.  We’ll be eating only fruits and vegetables and drinking water and herbal teas (some of them, detox teas) for two weeks.  We’re allowing ourselves the use of honey and olive oil to make a light salad dressing.  I mean, we have resolve and all, but salad with NO dressing?! 

 

Last night was a fun night for me.  It was prep night.  I got to cut up and bag a bunch of different fruits and veggies.  One failed attempt at making plantain chips, but to be fair, we were out of tinfoil, and it posed a significant problem.  I made a soup containing the greens from the celery and carrots I chopped, half a cabbage, a carrot (I didn’t want to spare any more than that, as carrots are important for snacking), leeks, half an onion, Italian spices, minced fresh garlic (my fingers smell really strongly) and crushed red pepper flakes.  It smelled amazingly like some type of bouillon by the time it was done, and I only used water!  So I’m pretty proud of that one.  It’s mild but good.  I came to work today with a whole grocery bag full of stuff to keep here at work.  A few packs of different berries, a whole gallon ziplock full of bell peppers, several fruits (pears, avocado, apples, clementines).  So we’ll see.  It’s only the first day, so obviously it’s not going to kill me.  But man!  This detox tea is hard to force myself through!  Ah well.  It’s worth it.

 

Last night, I finally got my room re-set up the way I want it and got my floor clean enough to sweep.  Since we moved in, almost a month ago now, my room’s been in various stages of unpacking.  Most recent was the one where several half-full boxes sat in the middle of the room for weeks.  I just moved around them when I needed something, and my cats loved the playground.  Friday night, though, I finally got to it.  I moved my bed from where it was to the place I’d wanted it to be initially.  What allowed me to do that was the purchase of a rolling, freestanding clothing rack and a shelf for some of my shoes, so I was able to get a bulky, wooden armoire out of the room completely.  My room looks so much bigger now, and most importantly, it matches the vision I had for it.  Everything’s in its place, which any woman knows, allows you to sleep better and think clearer.

 

It’s awesome how everything’s so tied together and intricate, how nothing on this earth, no person or mood or experience, is an island unto itself.  Our God is too sovereign for that.  Like Kim would say, like Emily would say, like the Bible says:  This is God’s story, and our role is simple to make much of Him. 

 

So although this cleanse IS about me and my body, it’s also about stewardship.  It’s about discipline.  It’s about consecration.  Laying bare weaknesses and addictions on purpose, because nothing should own us besides our Creator.  There are a million things vying for the attention due Him, and so many of those things I can’t control.  But I can control this one.

 

This is day one, and I’m enthusiastic.  I may be completely crazy by day 5 or 11 or 14, but right now I’m choosing to point to God, to say that He is good, and that this is for His glory and my holiness.  Maybe pray with me that I keep the attention where it should be, on God and on my eventual betterment because of this.

 

Also, I know that me not having a phone makes planning things and communicating with me difficult.  But I think I’m going to keep it this way for a couple more months at least.  The cheaper rent and working my other job is really beginning to pay off, and I have extra money at this point.  BUT I’m realizing how very tied to that phone I was/am.  And like 1 Corinthians said, I want to be mastered by nothing but my Savior and His heart’s desires.  It’s freeing.  But know that I DO miss talking to you all.  Your relationships are the most important things to me, outside of the Lord (and sometimes in place of, which God shows me from time to time), but this is all working together in me for a true cleanse I think.  And I’m happy. 

 

Love you guys!  Wish me discipline!

 

roo(ME)s

People keep asking about my roommates.  I figure it’s been a full week since Katie’s been living in the house, so I’ve had a fair sampling of how living with her and Brittany might look.  And of course nothing in our lives are simply about our lives.  Even seemingly trivial interactions point to Jesus if we just have eyes to see, if we’re allowed those eyes.  So I’ll try and explain some of those realizations, too.

 

Brittany:  She’s 21, so mature about some things and so incredibly naïve in other areas.  Her relationship with the Lord is startlingly intimate.  Based on her passion, I’d think she’s a new Christian or is experiencing some mountain top season or is faking it if I didn’t know her history and story and day-to-day.  It’s not that she’s happy-go-lucky all the time, all reward and Spirit and no obedience and holiness.  It’s just that she’s zealous for Christ Himself, not His things, no matter the cost, and it’s both convicting and refreshing.  I find myself often thinking “dude, just act normal.  You’re making yourself (and me) look like crazy Christians here!”  But then I realize she’s just speaking from her heart; she can’t keep silent about her faith, like the Scriptures say.  “a fire shut up in her bones” and all.

 

On the other hand, like I said before, she has this really naïve side to her.  And I say naïve instead of stupid or silly or selfish on purpose.  She lived in a house with one other roommate before, but they lived in a house owned by someone else, so they had to go by the house’s rules, not establish their own.  So she doesn’t even seem to think a thing about it when she drinks nearly all the sweet tea in the jug that I bought the day before.  I come home from work, want me some sweet tea, and there’s none there!  But to her, if it’s in the fridge, it’s community property.  I’ve come home several times to find things I had set aside in my head for dinner that night just gone, and I bought those things.  But she obviously doesn’t think anything of it because she never apologizes or asks for permission or even mentions it.  She leaves lights on when no one’s home and slams doors every time she closes them.  She wastes so much but is so apologetic and willing to change if you point it out.  Stuff like that.  Oh, and she’s ridiculously loud ALL the time!  makes me glad my room is on the other end of the apartment or else I’d never get sleep.

 

Brittany’s so giving and understanding in so many ways.  So easy to talk to about important things because she’s almost incapable of judging.  She’s been through a lot of abuse in her life, has been set free and healed of a lot of it but still functions in a lot of ways in reaction to those wounds.

 

Katie:  I really like her.  I didn’t know how it’d go with her because I’ve never been close to her brother, who I technically know better than I know the girl I’m living with!  Her brother’s loosened up a lot over time and married someone I know to be just silly and deep and free and spunky, but when I initially met and interacted with Aaron, I wasn’t a big fan of his.  He was kind of judgmental and legalistic, and I, to say the least, am NOT a rule follower!  So I was scared Katie might be that way.  She’s not.

 

She’s far more introverted than I am, or than Brittany is, but that doesn’t take much.  She’s coming out of her shell, though.  Brittany’s kind of been playing the force-her-into-interaction role, while I’ve been taking it easy and just interacting with her as it happens.  I figure I’d prefer the latter, so I’ll pay that forward?  It makes me kind of jealous from time to time when I have to go to bed for work the next morning and I can hear them up hanging out on the other side of the house.  But I think Katie and I connect intellectually and philosophically on a lot of things, if not in life stories and actions.  She has this quirky sense of style.  She’ll wear stuff that looks straight out of an American Eagle catalog but then throw on a belt that doesn’t match.  It throws me a bit, and I like it!  She super tall.  So is Brittany.  It’s really effing annoying.

 

So last night, Brittany’s boyfriend, Phil, came over to cook us dinner.  He came over at like 830, and we didn’t eat until after 10 (which Brittany and Phil frequently do, whereas I like to eat as early as possible), but I wasn’t going to complain.  Phil’s a really great cook, and he’s willing to cook stuff I can eat.  He brought Woodchuck cider last night, just because he knows I love it.  He always uses a ton of garlic and cheese.  I told Brittany good thing he’s taken because I’m not above whoring myself out in order to be paid in dairy products.  I just have to be honest about the facts here.

 

Anyway, he made an awesome shrimp and portabella mushroom pasta with a cheese sauce, along with bread and a salad with bell peppers and mandarin oranges in it with poppyseed dressing.  Mmmm.  I helped Phil devein the shrimp and then settled into a chair to read.  I read Twilight: Breaking Dawn in the kitchen with my feet propped against the wall while Brittany read the 5^th Harry Potter book in her bed, Katie was in her room online, and Phil cooked.  All this while my step mom’s newest mix cd, entitled Mostly Happy Mix, played loudly.  It was perfect.  I wish I could’ve frozen that moment or bottled the feeling.  So comforting.  Familiar but new.

 

When the food was ready, we all sat on the floor in the kitchen, though there are plenty of seats in the living room, and ate dinner in a little circle.  Katie and I did dishes after, since Phil cooked.

 

We’re having our first “house meeting” tonight, just to establish ground rules, how to handle things like buying toilet paper and turning lights off and food ownership and such, things I don’t think Brittany even thinks about but Katie and I have experienced, having had roommates before.  Hope it goes well and Brittany doesn’t feel attacked.  It’s simply two people who have experience in the roommate department trying to pass on wisdom gained, and I hope we communicate that humbly but clearly.

 

Spiritually:  So much.  So much stupid darkness revealed in me every single day.  I have so many control issues.  I’ve never considered myself a materialistic person.  I don’t want expensive things.  In fact, I dislike them.  I want things I can ruin and wear out and LIVE in.  but I think I’d forgotten that materialism can also just mean that you hold on tightly to the things that you consider yours.  Really, does the word “mine” have any place in a Christian’s vocabulary?  I’m sure it does, and that question’s just an extreme.  But I’m finding I’ve really gotten this closed fisted attitude with the things that furnish my house.  I could say that I just want to take good care of the things God’s given me.  But you’ve just to look at the clothes strewn across my floor or try and find the floorboard in the passenger seat of my car to know that’s not true.  Truth is, I just don’t want OTHER people using/hurting/dissing my stuff, and that’s really messed up.  I’m realizing every day how very selfish I am because roommates are constantly pushing on the “mine” buttons. 

 

Also, I believe I’m intended to begin learning the lesson of letting things that don’t matter really just not matter, and how to hold my tongue/temper/facial expressions lax until I weigh the situation correctly.  With a girl like Brittany, who I genuinely love so much but who rubs me wrong so much of the time, it’s important to let most things slide.  She’s been hurt so much in her life.  I’m having to ask myself “is this a big enough deal to risk hurting her again with your criticism?” and “what is at the core of this issue?” and “how many of these arguments for your point can you cut out of the conversation because they’re just to try and justify you, not resolve the situation?” and “why do you care if the toilet lid is up or down if it’s just a 50/50 toss up anyway?!”

 

It sucks.  I find myself wishing for just a day or two that I don’t have to monitor my reactions in my own home, but then I realize this is how it should be, maybe how it should’ve been all along, be asking God to strip the selfishness and all.  I also realize what mercy this is for my future marriage.  I’m not one of those girls (especially Christian girls, which is even MORE ridiculous) who considers their daily life to be just a preparation period for their married life.  That’s absurd.  Our daily lives are to point to, reveal, make known, and prepare us for Jesus.  Period.  BUT, I can see how much of an issue all this control and material selfishness and lack of anger control would (will) be if I’d gone straight from living alone into a marriage situation.  Gosh.  He’d be completely founded in getting an annulment.  “I thought I married this great girl.  Turns out, she’s a slave driver!”

 

Also this is merciful because I have this real tendency to fall into self-condemnation, to believe the lies of the enemy when he tells me I have to work so hard to make myself presentable for God and for the people who love me.  Kim said “I think at some point you’ve gotten it in your head that your worth is based on the amount of wisdom you have,” and she was right.  I expect myself to do things right the first time and for sure the second time, so when God reveals something to me about myself, I expect for it to be an open-shut case, like because He’s revealed my darkness to me, it’s automatically fixed.  Like revelation is the same thing as healing.  Yeah right.  So my normal tendency, when I lived alone, was to just think and think and plan and consider and think about my broken places, to keep apologizing to God for the same things and tell Him I’d do better next time.  I think this is the main reason God let me see I needed roomies in the first place.

 

So now, even though God’s revealing to me my own selfishness and pride and darkness daily, He’s also surrounded me with people so I’m unable to physically alienate myself from people who’ll challenge me and speak the truth to me.  It reminds me of the quotes “only God can be both the builder and the wrecking ball” and “the same flood that washes me clean will also wash my house away”.  He’s simultaneously knocking me off my prideful feet daily but providing the net to catch me before I hurt myself.  It’s pretty much beautiful.  So dang difficult, but isn’t this the pattern we see throughout all of Scripture?  Judgment followed by mercy.  Restoration precipitated by destruction.  Death and resurrection. 

 

He’s pretty great.

 

So yeah, that’s where I am.  Those are the people living in the other two rooms of my house now.

 

Pray for us.  We need it!

 

Oh, and on a financial note, having my phone turned off is freeing and annoying.  I need to be detached from technology occasionally, and I’m happy to oblige that need.  BUT I’m also so relational and so close to so many people that not hearing your voices just sucks bigtime!  I’ll get the phone back on as soon as possible, but I’m not willing to get behind on other things in order to do so.  Eventually, my finances should look a lot better because of my now cheaper rent, but I’m still dealing with the financial effects of moving and having an unemployed-until-recently-and-still-hasn’t-gotten-paid-yet roommate.

 

Ok, that’s all.