I Asked and I'm Scared!

So, last night at Ruined (the new young adults group i'm attending) i asked God during worship to please take from me everything but Him. Up until now i've been praying a feeble little prayer of "i want to want You more than anything, but i'm not sure i'm there yet. please change my heart." Well, i think He has. Examining my heart in this moment i can say that He's better and more important than anything, than my family, than my amazing friends, than my future plans and whether they come to fruition or not, that if all those things were to burn up and blow away in the wind that i'd be ok, as long as i were able to know my Jesus more.

Moments like these are fleeting for me because i cling so ravenously to other lovers.

But last night i asked Him honestly to take everything from me as long as i can know Him more and love Him better.

I'm overwhelmed that he answered my initial prayer and changed my heart. [He's such a magician!] And i'm also kind of scared. I know He answers prayers, and as much as i'm WILLING to have everything taken from me, i hope He doesn't have to.

Sad Moment

For the past five or six years, it's been such a comfort to me when i realize, driving near my family's house in the night or early morning hours, that four hearts are there, beating slowly & rhythmically. Two little boys lay in their beds, the cares of the day disgarded, probably drooling, looking innocent and peaceful despite the attitude dished during waking hours.

I can drive by, the world still and good in that moment, because i feel so acutely that i couldn't love them more & that they couldn't be any more mine.

The knowledge of them being near saturates me in that instant, at once making my limbs heavy and light. I'm happy in every cell and satisfied with life, not dissimilar to the mellow after sex. Obviously it's not the same cause. That's gross. But still.

This happened two nights ago as i drove down Woodmen Road at 1am & passed their little housing development.

And it hit me: they're out of town this weekend.

And it hit me harder: this is the first of many of these moments to come. Me here. Them not.

The weight and surprise of this has yet to leave me, and i'll admit it's got me flustered.