A dear friend and I were having this facebook message conversation about life, friendships, how they are important for a time and fade, too. we talked about how there are periods where God purposed distance and loneliness, letting go, clinging to Him and such. This was my response to him. Figured I’d share it because, well, it’s part of my life’s philosophy… if I had one:
hey, so i just wanted to respond really quickly. (i always SAY that and then ramble for forever, so we'll see)
i understand everything you're saying.
in moving here and looking for new friends, i've come to the realization that what we had was not only special, but isolated, and will probably not happen again. bonds like that, those strange where-do-i-end-where-do-you-begin friendships, are formed in a pressure cooker-like environment. how many relationships do you have where you live together, play together, work together, cry together, worship together, rejoice together, expose your worst and best selves? marriage, i guess. but other than marriage and trying to give myself to my Savior, i think those years in our lives were the closest i'll get to having shared myself completely. my life was not my own, but belonged to the whole. my life was so intricately entwined in those of my friends that it became impossible to remain unharmed when they were hurt, to consider my own good without considering theirs.
i look back on that time and can only smile, smile down to the depths of my soul, and also hurt to those depths because of the tumult i remember occupying a lot of our experiences, too. i think (and really hope) that an experience like that with friends only happens once in my lifetime. i sure hope there's not another time in my life when i'm so messed up and needy and codependent on 2 of my friends (you and Ashliegh). like i said, pressure cooker environments don't come often, and cliche as it is, nothing happens the same way twice.
i guess i just don't accept that shifting priorities means a throwing to the wind of empathy, mutual love, and loyalty. To be loyal first to your family doesn't mean you abandon care and courtesy to others of lesser priority. people outside your family can (and i believe are supposed to be) still be VERY important and vital to your life. i know i'm not married and therefore can't speak from experience, but these are people my HEART is tied to. people who've changed me and still have the ability to aid in changing me. i can't see myself ever getting to the point where those relationships don't matter enough to maintain. but you can only really maintain your own side of the relationship, and you can't force people to love back.
maybe that's just me.
maybe it's a bad thing.
i've always had a problem letting go.
but... there are things worth hanging onto. there are things, maybe not the group-comes-first mentality or the acronyms that named us, but people, hearts, soul ties, that are worth the time and money and effort.
ok... i think that's it. i know what you're saying about seasons. believe me. i went through probably 2 years here feeling so very much alone. there are still times when i cry buckets simply because i miss the at-home and excepted-even-though-you're-messy feelings i remember so vividly. i don't think you're wrong in anything that you're saying. not in the least. but you KNOW i've never been one to hold back what's in my heart.
No comments:
Post a Comment