Dissonance

I’ve always been a music person.  I’ve been even more so in the past 5 or 6 years of my life.  I moved away from Tennessee and realized there was more out there than country music, oldies, and top40 stuff that’s played on the radio.  Don’t get me wrong; I still love me some country (and oldies and some top40 from time to time).  But since high school and moving from Tennessee, my musical horizons have been ever-broadening, thanks in major part to my brother-in-law Josh, my sister, my step-mom, and my lovely music-loving/seeking friends.  God speaks to me through music.  He moves me toward Him, toward others, toward knowing myself.  And then there’s the music that has no obvious, serious purpose.  The stuff that just makes you want to sing out, dance, twirl in the street or in the solitude of your house!  I think THIS is a type of worship, too, as our Savior must surely take pleasure in our happy, satisfied hearts.

So… I was listening to “Love Song” by Jason Morant in the car the other day.  I wasn’t so much singing as I was thinking about the line that says something about wanting my life to be a love song to Him.  I was contemplating this request and was overcome with sadness.  If my life is a love song to the Lord, and I want it to be, then it must be riddled with pitch problems! 

[DISCLAIMER:Here is where the metaphorical portion of the blog begins.  Deal with it. ]

This past week in church, a newer addition to the worship team sang her first solo.  I was excited to hear her because I hadn’t before.  She did really well.  Her voice is clear and strong, and you can tell she MEANS what she says.  But there was one note she kept not quite hitting.  Every time she sang the verse it was right there, sticking out like those annoying hairs that stick straight up out of the part on your head.  No matter what you do, no matter how deep into worship or how beautiful the song, those hairs, and that note, are really noticeable. 

If I can’t get past one flat note every verse, in the midst of a truly gorgeously sung song, then what does my love song life sound like when I mess up pretty much every hour?  Am I one of those American Idol singers who honestly believe they sound like Mariah Carey when they sound like a donkey with an acid reflux problem?

I was so struck by this, so horrified at the thought of my off key, pitchy, please-stop-singing-before-I-run-from-the-room-screaming song of a life that for a moment I lost my breath.  For just a moment I felt a very real feeling of despair, of wanting to throw up my hands and stop trying, because it’s so sad to see/hear someone struggling to find the right note.  To be honest, I have to avert my eyes when someone sounds bad.  I feel embarrassed FOR them.

But pretty immediately after the hopelessness hit me, a memory hit me, too.  It was the memory of my junior year of high school, choir class.  It was the first time I heard the word “dissonance”. 

dis·so·nance

n.

1. A harsh, disagreeable combination of sounds; discord.

2. Lack of agreement, consistency, or harmony; conflict:

3. Music  A combination of tones contextually considered to suggest unrelieved tension and require resolution.

 

And I remembered the context, too.  My choir director, Mr. Bullock, was trying to explain why this one part in the song sounded so clashy to us but was written that way on purpose.  It grew on me.  After hearing the part a few times, it started sounding oddly harmonious.  The alto and tenor parts were obviously conflicting, but at that moment in the song it just made sense.  Ever since then, I’ve valued musical dissonance SO much.  It’s so clever.

Thank You, Lord, for bringing this memory back to my mind at that moment.  Because I now realize that, yes, there are thousands upon thousands of off notes in my love song life.  There will be thousands upon thousands more.  But God has the ability, and much more importantly and staggeringly, the desire, to make the overall song pleasant.  It will make sense.  And it WILL be shockingly beautiful.

AND… check out the musical definition of dissonance again.

“A combination of tones contextually considered to suggest unrelieved tension and require resolution.”

 

That gives me SUCH hope for myself, ugly as my heart is sometimes, because the dissonance is PURPOSED to suggest tension and require resolution! 

 

He makes my noise into music, my ashes to diamonds! 

 

 

Something I (and maybe you) Need to Hear Again

Oh the passion of Your heart, Your abandoned pursuit of me.  Oh the risk that You took to love someone like me.  That risk has set my soul free.  Your desire for me is overwhelming.  It consumes Your every thought. Oh the joy that You feel when our hearts touch, the joy of when we touch. You desire to draw me so close to You. You desire to have me all to Yourself. You tenderly call out my name, beckoning me to come nearer. You romance me with purity and sweet wine, poured into a cup of communion. We dance and spin all around the universe.  Your rage is aroused at my enemies.  You defend me with arms full of strength. Your gentleness toward me is ever-present, Your care for me ever-living.  You’re so eager to disclose all the secrets of Your heart, to show Yourself unrestrained, fully given to me. Your goodness is a placid stream, a blanket wrapped around me.  Your faithfulness is the sure song of sunrise. Your promises are structures already formed.  Ever-deepening is the vastness of Your great love. You allure me with soft array.  Ever present is the pulse of Your affections.  Your smile is gleaming with excitement to show me even more. 

 

-The Passion of Your Heart, Worship Circle, 3^rd Circle

The Second Most Important Commandment

So i was reading last night the third chapter of Crazy Love, by Francis Chan. The third chapter is the title chapter, Crazy Love. I never tire of hearing new and different, creative ways of describing God's love for us. I never tire of it because He's always revealing Himself. It's always shocking and always familiar.

Last night, this revelation hit me anew: He is enamored with me. He is and has always been complete and whole, lacking nothing, having everything good and bright, yet He reaches outside of that bliss to love this creature that can't love Him back correctly.

Last night, after a day of holding back tears, hating my flesh and myself because i'm so consumed by it, the truth of this hit me. It penetrated through and through, violently and thoroughly, like a bed of nails suddenly thrown into unequal distribution. I get so comfortable with the love of God. It becomes so routine and droning, when in reality, nothing is as flambuoyant and unabashed as His love toward me.

Another thing was in that chapter. It talks about loving others, the second most important commandment, from the lips of Jesus Himself. It's to love others like you love yourself.

Think about how you love yourself.

It's crazy, this built-in need to support your own opinion, plans, and choices. Right or wrong, the knee jerk response is to argue, embarass, and kill anyone who disputes your right-ness. You never have to remind yourself to be shy in order to avoid embarrassment. It comes without thinking. You don't have to tell yourself to pick the chair at the table that you've loved since you can remember. We're unable to analyze ourselves objectively because we have a vested interest.

So to love someone like you love yourself would actually CHANGE how you love yourself.

If you gave someone else the good chair, backed their mind and heart like your own, wanted their betterment, fought to protect their self image; if you did it all without thinking or having to make the decision to do so, if this became the new norm, then you'd love yourself far less than anyone else.

That's what i want.

Maybe i can't be gentle with other people because i'm unable to be gentle with myself. If i'm doing my best (about 50% of the time) to try and love others like i love myself and i'm still harsh and pushy and critical, then maybe it means i'm that way with me.

I know we don't have minds big enough to grasp it, but maybe i just need to start asking again that God will show me who i am through His eyes. He's unwaiveringly gentle with me because He sees my little-ness, that i'm easily distracted and unsure of everything. Still His love for me throbs like dark gray clouds and pours out like the rain. I want to love me better and give myself a break because then maybe i can offer that to others.

When will i be finished at this altar of dying?

There is an answer to this question: when i literally die.

I feel like i've changed a lot in the past 3 years. I know i have. For one, i've been alone with God, and that changes you, whether you are aware of it or not.

I can see it in some ways, my progression toward Him and away from self. But mostly i just see over and over again how crappy i am.

I know this is meant to remind me of my need for Him, to humble me, to take away from me the things the world holds dear. Normally that's the result. But right now just i'm mad at myself, frustrated to tears that i can't be better than this. All this laying down, all this dying to self and there's still so much bad in me.

I feel like i'm trying to wrap my arms around the sun. My Prize seems infinitely far away and unattainable. Because of me. Because i can't do holiness. I can't BE holy. I just keep NOT being it.

God revealed to me months and months ago what exactly He's been trying to do in me. The alone-ness, the constant confrontations He asked me to back down from, the shutting of my mouth, the prostrating of my heart. It's like he flipped the tapestry over and let me see the art instead of all the understitching. He told me He wants to give me a spirit of gentleness. HIS spirit of gentleness.

Once He told me this, i was able to look back and see how far i'd come, how far He'd brought me. I could see the harshness, the defensiveness, having fallen away little by little. It was a beautiful revelation, finally able to see the cohesion and the goal.

So today my good friend, the best i have in Colorado, emailed me in response to an email i'd sent her earlier. We were discussing how we argue, how we handle things so differently and why we do and say the things we do.

She told me that i'm so pushy with my opinions that i make her feel stupid and how that hurts her, that i don't do anything GENTLY, and that i can simply be not nice.

This is not to out her or to make her feel guilty. She'll surely read this, and she'll surely feel bad at my extreme reaction. But the truth is, i trust her observations of me. I know she would never do something to purposely hurt me. I know she has big, open eyes and can see thing about me that i never could. We're purposed in each others' lives, so i know this is supposed to help me.

But at this moment i'm so glad for the work i do, that people are keeping to themselves in their tiny cubicles and that i can do the same. Because i can't stop this burning in my throat. I can't stop my eyes from pouring out, and i have to keep my eyes aimed at my screen so that no one knows my heart is breaking.

I'm only writing this now because it has to get out or i might just burst into flames.

I can't be mad at her. I'm not. She was being honest. She was being heartfelt.

And i have to come to grips with the fact that i'm that person. I'm that friend who you describe as "opinionated", knowing it's just a euphemism for cocky and stubborn and judgemental. You cock your head slightly to the side in hesitation and grit your teeth when a new friend wants to meet me, hoping secretly that the newbie doesn't start a debate with me.

Is it possible that i've always been this handful of a person, making it hard on my friends to be my friend. Is this maybe the one thing no one's told me? And if i've improved from several years ago, what sort of horrid beast was i then?

I don't want to be this way. I don't. I want to be the one that everyone gets along with, that people remember as a bright spot, the one who's magnetic in her graciousness and love, who draws all people unto herself in order to draw them unto Him. I want to be known for my humility and joy, not my strong opinions and attitude.

It feels like too much to bear. Too much to sort through.

Outro-spective

I know this blog is mostly introspective. However, today's post will be none of that. Instead, i will tell you all of several funny/odd/horrifying things that have happened lately in my life and brain.

Yesterday morning, my front gums bled so bad while brushing them that i freaked out when i saw my spit in the sink. it was way bad. i'm not sure what happened, as this is not a normal thing. i did get new toothpaste. it's the first time i'm trying Tom's Natural toothpaste. in the past i've used regular old toxic toothpaste or Neem. but come on! Tom's in natural! doesn't that mean it SHOULDN'T be harsh? anyway, i still have those creepy teeth falling out dreams. i was scared this incident would give me nightmares. it did not thankfully.

I've been wanting to cuss lately. like a lot. specifically the F word. I know in the ranking of swear words, this one's pretty high up there, but i don't care! i don't ACTUALLY say it. i just realy want to! so sometimes when i'm in the car by myself i do it just to satiate this desire. it's just been hitting me lately as funny instead of vile. i've been wanting to say "f*** yeah!" and such. so, beware.

i started attempting to play the guitar again. here's how it happened: emily asked her friend jesse to teach her how to play. i got mad because i can't have another flippin friend who picks up playing immediately and wonderfully! her success would only shine light on my lack of! anyway, i was there at the first lesson, sitting in the corner, begrudgingly putting together the border of a puzzle. she didn't pick it up quickly. she kind of struggled. now i'm not HAPPY that she struggled, but to be honest, it did give me hope for myself. because, you see, i'd gotten it in my head that people picked up a guitar and it just worked. like they didn't have to struggle or suck first. all i needed was one f***in person to NOT be a prodigy to show me it's ok to learn slowly! so anyway, i've been playing everyday. i have about 5 or 6 songs that i'll play through, force myself to finish even if my fingers are throbbing. my fingertips hurt even now, but i feel accomplished every time i look down and see the white spots there.

also lately i've been thinking that i want to do criminal things. i won't. i'm just too jumpy. plus that whole conscience/Holy Spirit thing really cuts into my imaginary life of crime. however, i'm thinking of scenarios all the time how i could live basically free if i wanted to. how easy would it be to take things from convenience stores or get things from freeCraigslist and resell them for profit! I watched the movie Gone in 60 Seconds on tv the other day and thought to myself "oh man, i want to steal a car". i could be robin hood?