Maybe i hold on too hard?

A dear friend and I were having this facebook message conversation about life, friendships, how they are important for a time and fade, too.  we talked about how there are periods where God purposed distance and loneliness, letting go, clinging to Him and such.  This was my response to him.  Figured I’d share it because, well, it’s part of my life’s philosophy… if I had one:

hey, so i just wanted to respond really quickly. (i always SAY that and then ramble for forever, so we'll see)

i understand everything you're saying.

in moving here and looking for new friends, i've come to the realization that what we had was not only special, but isolated, and will probably not happen again. bonds like that, those strange where-do-i-end-where-do-you-begin friendships, are formed in a pressure cooker-like environment. how many relationships do you have where you live together, play together, work together, cry together, worship together, rejoice together, expose your worst and best selves? marriage, i guess. but other than marriage and trying to give myself to my Savior, i think those years in our lives were the closest i'll get to having shared myself completely. my life was not my own, but belonged to the whole. my life was so intricately entwined in those of my friends that it became impossible to remain unharmed when they were hurt, to consider my own good without considering theirs.

i look back on that time and can only smile, smile down to the depths of my soul, and also hurt to those depths because of the tumult i remember occupying a lot of our experiences, too. i think (and really hope) that an experience like that with friends only happens once in my lifetime. i sure hope there's not another time in my life when i'm so messed up and needy and codependent on 2 of my friends (you and Ashliegh). like i said, pressure cooker environments don't come often, and cliche as it is, nothing happens the same way twice.

i guess i just don't accept that shifting priorities means a throwing to the wind of empathy, mutual love, and loyalty. To be loyal first to your family doesn't mean you abandon care and courtesy to others of lesser priority. people outside your family can (and i believe are supposed to be) still be VERY important and vital to your life. i know i'm not married and therefore can't speak from experience, but these are people my HEART is tied to. people who've changed me and still have the ability to aid in changing me. i can't see myself ever getting to the point where those relationships don't matter enough to maintain. but you can only really maintain your own side of the relationship, and you can't force people to love back.

maybe that's just me.

maybe it's a bad thing.

i've always had a problem letting go.

but... there are things worth hanging onto. there are things, maybe not the group-comes-first mentality or the acronyms that named us, but people, hearts, soul ties, that are worth the time and money and effort.

ok... i think that's it. i know what you're saying about seasons. believe me. i went through probably 2 years here feeling so very much alone. there are still times when i cry buckets simply because i miss the at-home and excepted-even-though-you're-messy feelings i remember so vividly. i don't think you're wrong in anything that you're saying. not in the least. but you KNOW i've never been one to hold back what's in my heart.

tidbits II

Also, I just started wearing men’s deodorant.  Basically, it smells better.  it doesn’t have aluminum in it either.  And my new shampoo & conditioner is from Bath & Bodyworks.  Got it on sale, both of them for like eight bucks total.  So my armpits smell like, get this name (it’s a lot of the reason why I bought it), Dark Temptation.  My hair smells like warm vanilla sugar.  And I’m pretty much the best smelling person alive.  except maybe Willy Wonka.

 

My new year’s resolution is to stop drinking soda.  It’s been 12 days, and it’s not getting that much easier.  It did for a little while, and now I’m back to thinking of it every other minute.  It proves I am a true addict.  Sad.  also funny.

 

What do you guys think about getting a degree in something you’re interested in vs. getting a practical degree.  Because sometime soon I’d like to go back, but as I still don’t know “what I want to be when I grow up”, I don’t know what to pursue.  If I was just doing what I’m interested in, I’d do English or Writing or some sort of cultural studies.  But people keep saying I should do communications, which is “close to English or Writing”.  But I feel like it’s selling out, like not doing what I love because I’m scared of not knowing the future.  What do you think about it?  none of you respond to my blogs routinely, so this is a direct question, meant for response.

 

Game on.

 

I know what a bit is, but what the heck is a "tid"!

 

So here are some things I’ve been thinking lately.  Nothing too crazy or revolutionary, just ramblings.

 

I just realized how much I really love the idea of LeapYear.  I mean, once out of every four years you’re alive on a day that wasn’t there the year before and won’t be there the year after.  I feel like the day’s a miracle, a gap in space/time.  I feel like we should all get paid days off work that day.  It’d be a holiday specifically set aside for doing things you never thought you could do, because that day won’t come for another four years!  A real carpe diem experience!  Or you could just sleep the whole day, using it to catch up on lost sleep.  The technical need for a February 29^th is to realign our time clocks with the actual days according to sunrise/set.  So why not use that day to realign your body clock, too!  I’d prefer the do-something-you’d-never-do-any-other-day option, but to each her own.

 

This new realization makes me think I have a real fascination with time.  I mean, I nearly peed my pants I was so excited when Amanda texted me from Florida at 1:00am January 1^st, 2010 and it was still December 31^st, 2009 to me.  Really, I tried to call her back, but she didn’t answer.  So on her voicemail I left a nearly hysterical, undecipherable message blabbering on about how it was the closest to time travel I’d ever been.  It still excites me even now!  How flippin cool!

 

Another thing I finally decided to acknowledge is how much I love carwashes.  I’m not sure I realized it until recently because, well, you don’t need carwashes in Florida.  It rains so stinkin much that you’d be dumb to go through a carwash.  It’d be a waste of money.  But here, during the winter, you have to go through carwashes because the salt and chemicals used to de-ice the roads will corrode your car’s undercarriage if you don’t get it off.  Well, I can finally admit it.  I’m a carwash addict.  Sometimes, even when my car doesn’t need one, I’m very tempted to go through one anyway.  I just think it’s so soothing.  The muffled sound, the fact that you can’t see anything outside of the little building, it’s like its own little world.  I think maybe that’s what it sounds like in a womb.  (I’m surprised no one’s tried to implant a microphone inside someone’s uterus while they’re pregnant, yet.  I mean, I know that’s crazy and dangerous and neglectful, but I know I’M curious what it sounds like.  So surely other people, scientific people, must be, too.)  I’m always so bummed when the carwash ends.  I think if I could sleep inside a car in a carwash, it’d be the best sleep ever.  ::sigh::

 

Another thing:  I LOVE books.  Now, to some of you this might not seem like a big epiphany.  But you’d have to have known me when I was growing up.  All through high school I identified myself not only as not liking to read, but disliking it.  Maybe it was because I felt forced into it by the summer reading lists or something, but I’d actually tell people “I don’t really read.  I read the Bible, but I just don’t get into books.”  Now… now it’s just crazy!  I mean, I was in a book store last night (without money so I couldn’t buy anything.  I have at least 6 books at home waiting to be read), and I felt… well, at home!  Even books I know I’ll never read completely, like The Complete Short Stories of Mark Twain, I just want because they’re precious and beautifully bound and covered, and I want a library at home with options and variety and depth.  I saw The Pearl by John Steinbeck, which I read so long ago in school that I don’t remember at all, bound in tan with blue embroidered leaves.  It was gorgeous, and even though I have a small, worn out paperback at home of the same book, and even though I’ll probably never read it again, I wanted that copy.  I mean WANTED it.  bad.  Who’da thunk this would be me?  I like it.  I’m just kind of shocked at the difference 6 years can make. Shocked and happy.

 

And that’s it.  that’s all I got right now, the random things I’ve been thinking about.

 

Other than that, I’m still car-less.  It sucks.  pretty bad.  but… a man plans his ways but the Lord determines his steps right?

 

 

 

 

Broken Car and the Accompanying Thoughts

So my car's dead. The blue beauty has bitten the dust at last. It was pretty unexpected. I mean, it's had it's problems, but it still got 30 mpg, never overheated. Anything that would hint of sure and quick death was unnoticeable.

Because of the lack of death hints, i really didn't save anything. I know that's dumb. Who knows what you'll need savings for, but it's what i did. I have very little credit, and the little i have is bad.

So all i really can offer anyone is about $500 down payment and $200 a month payments. That's not really a huge bargaining chip.

People keep telling me about their miracle car experiences. And i believe God CAN do it for me, drop a shiny (or maybe not so shiny) new (or not so new), reliable car on my doorstep. I'd prefer that; it requires the least effort on my part. However, when i think about dads and how they teach their children in situations like these, seldom does it mean just giving them something without any effort on their part. It'd be different if i'd saved something, but i ignored "common sense". So i guess my immediate thought when receiving these emails and texts about God providing me some miracle car was "that's great. i know He can do that, but what if i'm the one that has to learn the hard way? what if my spiritual/mental development is best served by having to tough it out and struggle?" A lot of times it is.

I mean, the strain is here because it's meant for resolution right? **refer to prev blog entry**

Anytime something happens with money, school (lack of), job positions, i always let myself go back to the dumb decisions i made in 2004-2005. I think that if i hadn't been so disobedient, so hardheaded and proud, and stupid really, then i could be graduated from college by now, with a better job, more reliable car, all that stuff. I let myself spiral. i think "i know God's forgiven me and doesn't hold it against me, but how friggin long will i have to suffer the earthly consequences!?"

Then i talked to my sister Jesse on the phone, and she said something like "well it's ok to look back and see the chain of events, good even. but the thing is, you can't DO anything about that now. " and that's really all it took to get me to snap out of the spiral. it's true. forward. forward is all i can do.

Later last night i picked up the book CrazyLove, which me and three friends are doing a study on. I'd already read chapter 2, the one we're to talk about and review tonight, and when i read it a couple weeks ago i didn't really like it all that much. i mean, it said good things, but they were all things i know already! but last night it was brand new again, and it made a difference big time.

It basically reminded of a few things:

+Since when has this story been about me? Duh! It FEELS like it's about me now because of the circumstances: my money, my car, my credit, my situation. But it's NEVER been about me! This whole story, the whole grand, epic world and all the years it's existed, it's all about glorifying God! And i can choose this day, and in this cruddy situation, to let Him use me in His glorification, or i can whine and despair. but still He WILL be glorified! And my confidence is in that now. I still have no clue what i'm going to do about the car, although i'm gathering some options and keeping my eyes/ears open. But it's ok. Knowing He will be glorified and i'm going to do all i can to aid in that, that's enough, and that's wonderful!

+Stress is sin. Seriously. We're told in the Word to rejoice in everything. Not to worry. But it didn't come with a disclaimer saying "unless your circumstances get out of control" or "but _____ predicament means stress is justified". It's a command. And if i let myself be stressed or worried about this, i'm telling God that me not having a car is so outlandish a problem that it justifies my disobedience. "sorry God, i know your laws are perfect and your judgement is high above mine, but this is honestly so big a deal that i'm going to ignore those things and freak out." yeah right. jeez.

+If i was never needy, i would never reach for Him. I heard somewhere a while back that the word "cast" in the Bible verse about leaning not on your own understanding and casting your cares upon the Lord actually implies flinging yourself, sprawled out and prostrated onto something. Woah. i may lean on Him frequently, but i can't recall the last time i flung myself onto Him, making no attempt to bear the weight on my own, and allowed my arms and legs to lay motionless as they fell. it's unbecoming of a modern, self-sufficient lady. but who the heck is one of those!? i can't even pull air into my lungs without Him pushing from the other end! If this is going to teach me to fall more fully in love with Him, if this is going to cause me to fall, full weight, onto His lap and pay no mind to how it looks and feels uncomfortable at first, then so be it! I recognize my need for You, Savior, in this moment, because i am SO incapable of doing ANYTHING.

and that's all i've got so far.

p.s. if any of you from florida or california or wherever want to drive a free car TO me, i'd be overjoyed to pay for your plane ticket home :)