Broken Car and the Accompanying Thoughts

So my car's dead. The blue beauty has bitten the dust at last. It was pretty unexpected. I mean, it's had it's problems, but it still got 30 mpg, never overheated. Anything that would hint of sure and quick death was unnoticeable.

Because of the lack of death hints, i really didn't save anything. I know that's dumb. Who knows what you'll need savings for, but it's what i did. I have very little credit, and the little i have is bad.

So all i really can offer anyone is about $500 down payment and $200 a month payments. That's not really a huge bargaining chip.

People keep telling me about their miracle car experiences. And i believe God CAN do it for me, drop a shiny (or maybe not so shiny) new (or not so new), reliable car on my doorstep. I'd prefer that; it requires the least effort on my part. However, when i think about dads and how they teach their children in situations like these, seldom does it mean just giving them something without any effort on their part. It'd be different if i'd saved something, but i ignored "common sense". So i guess my immediate thought when receiving these emails and texts about God providing me some miracle car was "that's great. i know He can do that, but what if i'm the one that has to learn the hard way? what if my spiritual/mental development is best served by having to tough it out and struggle?" A lot of times it is.

I mean, the strain is here because it's meant for resolution right? **refer to prev blog entry**

Anytime something happens with money, school (lack of), job positions, i always let myself go back to the dumb decisions i made in 2004-2005. I think that if i hadn't been so disobedient, so hardheaded and proud, and stupid really, then i could be graduated from college by now, with a better job, more reliable car, all that stuff. I let myself spiral. i think "i know God's forgiven me and doesn't hold it against me, but how friggin long will i have to suffer the earthly consequences!?"

Then i talked to my sister Jesse on the phone, and she said something like "well it's ok to look back and see the chain of events, good even. but the thing is, you can't DO anything about that now. " and that's really all it took to get me to snap out of the spiral. it's true. forward. forward is all i can do.

Later last night i picked up the book CrazyLove, which me and three friends are doing a study on. I'd already read chapter 2, the one we're to talk about and review tonight, and when i read it a couple weeks ago i didn't really like it all that much. i mean, it said good things, but they were all things i know already! but last night it was brand new again, and it made a difference big time.

It basically reminded of a few things:

+Since when has this story been about me? Duh! It FEELS like it's about me now because of the circumstances: my money, my car, my credit, my situation. But it's NEVER been about me! This whole story, the whole grand, epic world and all the years it's existed, it's all about glorifying God! And i can choose this day, and in this cruddy situation, to let Him use me in His glorification, or i can whine and despair. but still He WILL be glorified! And my confidence is in that now. I still have no clue what i'm going to do about the car, although i'm gathering some options and keeping my eyes/ears open. But it's ok. Knowing He will be glorified and i'm going to do all i can to aid in that, that's enough, and that's wonderful!

+Stress is sin. Seriously. We're told in the Word to rejoice in everything. Not to worry. But it didn't come with a disclaimer saying "unless your circumstances get out of control" or "but _____ predicament means stress is justified". It's a command. And if i let myself be stressed or worried about this, i'm telling God that me not having a car is so outlandish a problem that it justifies my disobedience. "sorry God, i know your laws are perfect and your judgement is high above mine, but this is honestly so big a deal that i'm going to ignore those things and freak out." yeah right. jeez.

+If i was never needy, i would never reach for Him. I heard somewhere a while back that the word "cast" in the Bible verse about leaning not on your own understanding and casting your cares upon the Lord actually implies flinging yourself, sprawled out and prostrated onto something. Woah. i may lean on Him frequently, but i can't recall the last time i flung myself onto Him, making no attempt to bear the weight on my own, and allowed my arms and legs to lay motionless as they fell. it's unbecoming of a modern, self-sufficient lady. but who the heck is one of those!? i can't even pull air into my lungs without Him pushing from the other end! If this is going to teach me to fall more fully in love with Him, if this is going to cause me to fall, full weight, onto His lap and pay no mind to how it looks and feels uncomfortable at first, then so be it! I recognize my need for You, Savior, in this moment, because i am SO incapable of doing ANYTHING.

and that's all i've got so far.

p.s. if any of you from florida or california or wherever want to drive a free car TO me, i'd be overjoyed to pay for your plane ticket home :)