Right Standing

So my old youth pastor, Dina always defined righteousness as "right standing with the Lord". I never paid too much attention to the cliches Dina threw out, if i'm being honest. One, because she threw out A LOT of cliches, and two, because though i know she loves me, i've never really been convinced that she likes me. I actually think she doesn't like me very much. Regardless, the definition she gave of righteousness always stuck with me.

Last night, after watching Dancing with the Stars (i know, i'm ashamed. but i was also very bored) i turned off my living room light without realizing i didn't have any other lights on in the house. I don't like to have more than one light on at a time in the house. It just seems pointless, but i normally will turn my bedroom lamp on before turning out the other light or something like that, just so i can see. My floor's never very tidy, and there are tripping hazards! But last night i turned the light off and just sat back down in my big brown chair in the living room. i sat there as my eyes adjusted, and a feeling of peace washed over me.

What i realized then was that the peace wasn't washing over me from the outside. It had come from me, from inside, like some kind of reverse osmosis, making my little apartment, making my world just feel GOOD.

I used to be scared of the dark. Maybe that's lame, but growing up i would run through my house at night because i always just felt creepy. I would do dumb things like hide under my covers because i'd get scared all of a sudden, and i'm not talking about when i was little either. I remember doing this well into my teens. Then when i moved to Florida and lived with my dad i remember it being so odd that i wasn't scared at night when the lights were off. When i moved into the houses with the girls that feeling of creepiness and being on edge would come back at night sometimes but not always. I don't think these things are just coincidence. I know they're not. Lot's of things, dark things, spiritual things, i believe made their home in the house i grew up in. I realized it then, but i lacked the courage to demand they leave. My dad's house in Florida was a house dedicated to serving the Lord, to making Him known and loving Him better each day. Then when i moved in with the girls, i think we allowed, i allowed, a lot of things there that shouldn't be. But we were waivering between heartfelt worship and blatant disobedience. Thus, the occasional scared-of-the-dark-ness. I'm a jumpy person naturally, i think, with an imagination sometimes too big for my own good. But these things i'm not imagining.

So anyway, last night was just really cool. It was the first time i'd sat in my house with the lights off and just FELT what was there. I think reading auras is dumb. I'm just not very tolerant of all that new agey crap. It's just meant to imitate what God's been saying all along, luring people to Hell with something that's Gospel-esque. But i believe in the Spirit in me and my own spirit that looks like God, and last night i realized it's in right standing.

For the first time in a long time i'm taking note that i'm in right standing with nearly everything in my life. It's a process, obviously, and this is not a boast in myself by any means. God's brought me to this point of right standing by the blood of Jesus and ONLY by the blood, that which i can never repay and will always need. Right this moment, i'm in right standing with God (although i have lukewarm tendencies and pesky habits that come back and have to be continually re-addressed). With myself. With friends and family. With my past (still working on letting it stay in the past sometimes). With my body (don't drink soda hardly at all anymore and am loving being a vegetarian. i feed it what's good, and i'm rewarded by feeling good. Even with my hair (i've decided it can do what it wants, and i love it still).

I'm so fallen and wretched, but in that, i'm FREE. I'm holy and righteous, and i can walk in that and believe it because God's Word is true! I don't understand it, because the majority of the time i don't FEEL holy. Somehow i'm being made holy and holy at the same time. I'm wicked but made in the image of our just and perfect Creator. His Spirit, one entity of the triune God, dwells in my chest. How can i deny this Perfection making His way in my life?! I won't call what God's made holy unholy, and i won't label myself poor when i'm oh so rich.

I don't understand it, but it's true. And last night He let the scales drop from my blurry eyes for just a minute. Praise Him, for there is no other to be praised!