People keep asking about my roommates. I figure it’s been a full week since Katie’s been living in the house, so I’ve had a fair sampling of how living with her and Brittany might look. And of course nothing in our lives are simply about our lives. Even seemingly trivial interactions point to Jesus if we just have eyes to see, if we’re allowed those eyes. So I’ll try and explain some of those realizations, too.
Brittany: She’s 21, so mature about some things and so incredibly naïve in other areas. Her relationship with the Lord is startlingly intimate. Based on her passion, I’d think she’s a new Christian or is experiencing some mountain top season or is faking it if I didn’t know her history and story and day-to-day. It’s not that she’s happy-go-lucky all the time, all reward and Spirit and no obedience and holiness. It’s just that she’s zealous for Christ Himself, not His things, no matter the cost, and it’s both convicting and refreshing. I find myself often thinking “dude, just act normal. You’re making yourself (and me) look like crazy Christians here!” But then I realize she’s just speaking from her heart; she can’t keep silent about her faith, like the Scriptures say. “a fire shut up in her bones” and all.
On the other hand, like I said before, she has this really naïve side to her. And I say naïve instead of stupid or silly or selfish on purpose. She lived in a house with one other roommate before, but they lived in a house owned by someone else, so they had to go by the house’s rules, not establish their own. So she doesn’t even seem to think a thing about it when she drinks nearly all the sweet tea in the jug that I bought the day before. I come home from work, want me some sweet tea, and there’s none there! But to her, if it’s in the fridge, it’s community property. I’ve come home several times to find things I had set aside in my head for dinner that night just gone, and I bought those things. But she obviously doesn’t think anything of it because she never apologizes or asks for permission or even mentions it. She leaves lights on when no one’s home and slams doors every time she closes them. She wastes so much but is so apologetic and willing to change if you point it out. Stuff like that. Oh, and she’s ridiculously loud ALL the time! makes me glad my room is on the other end of the apartment or else I’d never get sleep.
Brittany’s so giving and understanding in so many ways. So easy to talk to about important things because she’s almost incapable of judging. She’s been through a lot of abuse in her life, has been set free and healed of a lot of it but still functions in a lot of ways in reaction to those wounds.
Katie: I really like her. I didn’t know how it’d go with her because I’ve never been close to her brother, who I technically know better than I know the girl I’m living with! Her brother’s loosened up a lot over time and married someone I know to be just silly and deep and free and spunky, but when I initially met and interacted with Aaron, I wasn’t a big fan of his. He was kind of judgmental and legalistic, and I, to say the least, am NOT a rule follower! So I was scared Katie might be that way. She’s not.
She’s far more introverted than I am, or than Brittany is, but that doesn’t take much. She’s coming out of her shell, though. Brittany’s kind of been playing the force-her-into-interaction role, while I’ve been taking it easy and just interacting with her as it happens. I figure I’d prefer the latter, so I’ll pay that forward? It makes me kind of jealous from time to time when I have to go to bed for work the next morning and I can hear them up hanging out on the other side of the house. But I think Katie and I connect intellectually and philosophically on a lot of things, if not in life stories and actions. She has this quirky sense of style. She’ll wear stuff that looks straight out of an American Eagle catalog but then throw on a belt that doesn’t match. It throws me a bit, and I like it! She super tall. So is Brittany. It’s really effing annoying.
So last night, Brittany’s boyfriend, Phil, came over to cook us dinner. He came over at like 830, and we didn’t eat until after 10 (which Brittany and Phil frequently do, whereas I like to eat as early as possible), but I wasn’t going to complain. Phil’s a really great cook, and he’s willing to cook stuff I can eat. He brought Woodchuck cider last night, just because he knows I love it. He always uses a ton of garlic and cheese. I told Brittany good thing he’s taken because I’m not above whoring myself out in order to be paid in dairy products. I just have to be honest about the facts here.
Anyway, he made an awesome shrimp and portabella mushroom pasta with a cheese sauce, along with bread and a salad with bell peppers and mandarin oranges in it with poppyseed dressing. Mmmm. I helped Phil devein the shrimp and then settled into a chair to read. I read Twilight: Breaking Dawn in the kitchen with my feet propped against the wall while Brittany read the 5th Harry Potter book in her bed, Katie was in her room online, and Phil cooked. All this while my step mom’s newest mix cd, entitled Mostly Happy Mix, played loudly. It was perfect. I wish I could’ve frozen that moment or bottled the feeling. So comforting. Familiar but new.
When the food was ready, we all sat on the floor in the kitchen, though there are plenty of seats in the living room, and ate dinner in a little circle. Katie and I did dishes after, since Phil cooked.
We’re having our first “house meeting” tonight, just to establish ground rules, how to handle things like buying toilet paper and turning lights off and food ownership and such, things I don’t think Brittany even thinks about but Katie and I have experienced, having had roommates before. Hope it goes well and Brittany doesn’t feel attacked. It’s simply two people who have experience in the roommate department trying to pass on wisdom gained, and I hope we communicate that humbly but clearly.
Spiritually: So much. So much stupid darkness revealed in me every single day. I have so many control issues. I’ve never considered myself a materialistic person. I don’t want expensive things. In fact, I dislike them. I want things I can ruin and wear out and LIVE in. but I think I’d forgotten that materialism can also just mean that you hold on tightly to the things that you consider yours. Really, does the word “mine” have any place in a Christian’s vocabulary? I’m sure it does, and that question’s just an extreme. But I’m finding I’ve really gotten this closed fisted attitude with the things that furnish my house. I could say that I just want to take good care of the things God’s given me. But you’ve just to look at the clothes strewn across my floor or try and find the floorboard in the passenger seat of my car to know that’s not true. Truth is, I just don’t want OTHER people using/hurting/dissing my stuff, and that’s really messed up. I’m realizing every day how very selfish I am because roommates are constantly pushing on the “mine” buttons.
Also, I believe I’m intended to begin learning the lesson of letting things that don’t matter really just not matter, and how to hold my tongue/temper/facial expressions lax until I weigh the situation correctly. With a girl like Brittany, who I genuinely love so much but who rubs me wrong so much of the time, it’s important to let most things slide. She’s been hurt so much in her life. I’m having to ask myself “is this a big enough deal to risk hurting her again with your criticism?” and “what is at the core of this issue?” and “how many of these arguments for your point can you cut out of the conversation because they’re just to try and justify you, not resolve the situation?” and “why do you care if the toilet lid is up or down if it’s just a 50/50 toss up anyway?!”
It sucks. I find myself wishing for just a day or two that I don’t have to monitor my reactions in my own home, but then I realize this is how it should be, maybe how it should’ve been all along, be asking God to strip the selfishness and all. I also realize what mercy this is for my future marriage. I’m not one of those girls (especially Christian girls, which is even MORE ridiculous) who considers their daily life to be just a preparation period for their married life. That’s absurd. Our daily lives are to point to, reveal, make known, and prepare us for Jesus. Period. BUT, I can see how much of an issue all this control and material selfishness and lack of anger control would (will) be if I’d gone straight from living alone into a marriage situation. Gosh. He’d be completely founded in getting an annulment. “I thought I married this great girl. Turns out, she’s a slave driver!”
Also this is merciful because I have this real tendency to fall into self-condemnation, to believe the lies of the enemy when he tells me I have to work so hard to make myself presentable for God and for the people who love me. Kim said “I think at some point you’ve gotten it in your head that your worth is based on the amount of wisdom you have,” and she was right. I expect myself to do things right the first time and for sure the second time, so when God reveals something to me about myself, I expect for it to be an open-shut case, like because He’s revealed my darkness to me, it’s automatically fixed. Like revelation is the same thing as healing. Yeah right. So my normal tendency, when I lived alone, was to just think and think and plan and consider and think about my broken places, to keep apologizing to God for the same things and tell Him I’d do better next time. I think this is the main reason God let me see I needed roomies in the first place.
So now, even though God’s revealing to me my own selfishness and pride and darkness daily, He’s also surrounded me with people so I’m unable to physically alienate myself from people who’ll challenge me and speak the truth to me. It reminds me of the quotes “only God can be both the builder and the wrecking ball” and “the same flood that washes me clean will also wash my house away”. He’s simultaneously knocking me off my prideful feet daily but providing the net to catch me before I hurt myself. It’s pretty much beautiful. So dang difficult, but isn’t this the pattern we see throughout all of Scripture? Judgment followed by mercy. Restoration precipitated by destruction. Death and resurrection.
He’s pretty great.
So yeah, that’s where I am. Those are the people living in the other two rooms of my house now.
Pray for us. We need it!
Oh, and on a financial note, having my phone turned off is freeing and annoying. I need to be detached from technology occasionally, and I’m happy to oblige that need. BUT I’m also so relational and so close to so many people that not hearing your voices just sucks bigtime! I’ll get the phone back on as soon as possible, but I’m not willing to get behind on other things in order to do so. Eventually, my finances should look a lot better because of my now cheaper rent, but I’m still dealing with the financial effects of moving and having an unemployed-until-recently-and-still-hasn’t-gotten-paid-yet roommate.
Ok, that’s all.
No comments:
Post a Comment