Emotionally Flooded Night

So yesterday afternoon i get an email from Kim, my stepmom, that just says "call me. important." So naturally i freak out and call as soon as i can from Compassion's phone since i'm helping in the phone center for a little while. At first i felt kind of cool, like i was sticking it to the man (if the man were Compassion) by making a personal call in my little headset phone. But of course i couldn't just enjoy the rebellion because that email had me freaked out!

Kim tells me that my dad has gone in to the doctor for some heart tests. This past weekend he "slipped" on the stairs in the garage and pulled the shelving unit, full of paintcans, over on himself. Turns out he hadn't slipped at all. He'd blacked out and didn't remember a thing. He didn't tell anyone this because he didn't want to cause unneeded worry. When the dizzy spells and lightheadedness didn't go away the next couple days, he made an appointment, and only then did he decide to tell Kim, as he knew he couldn't keep a trip to the doctor a secret. They basically said that something's wrong, but they're not sure what yet. Dad said he's been able to hear the blood rushing in his neck and can feel his heart beating erratically. They immediately put him on beta blockers, which slow the electrical impulses to the heart so that a heart attack is nearly impossible. This is just a precaution until they can find out the real problem. He has an appointment today at 215 to do more tests.

Now i'm aware that this is not a crazy serious thing. Dad pointed out to me that out of all the ways God couldn't notified him that something was wrong, feeling like an idiot, covered in paint, is a very nice way to do it. But still, SO many thoughts started playing in my mind:

who would walk me down the aisle, what would i do around tax time, i missed out on so much growing up and now i finally have him here only to lose him, jesse's almost here just hold on, how would the boys know how to be men, and on and on. I was venting this to emily on the phone. she didn't know she was the first one i'd let this spill to, and because she TRIES to be rational thought she'd help me with that. she started, mid-sentence crying soul spill, "Sam, there's no use working yourself into a tizzy...." and i hung up on her. i HATE when people hang up on me. hate it. big time. it makes me mad like few other things can. BUT i knew i'd say something way worse if i didn't hang out then. so anyway, i called back a few minutes later, and all was fine. ah, good friend.

Anyway, i went to Em's house later last night after having pulled a truly selfish move. i went to my dad's work to see him and freak out. i knew it was wrong to cause him unnecessary concern and heartache, but for the first time ever i actually had to think about what it'd be like to wake up the next morning and NOT have my father. so i wanted to visit him while i can!

So anyway, Em was in a kind of weird mood. i'm kind of used to grumpy, whiny, happy, and goofy by now, but hurt, sad, and sulky's different. i didn't have any advice to offer that was pertinent to the situation, and i know she doesn't like to cry in front of people. A couple times i could tell she was holding the waterworks back; i just left so she could break down if she wanted to.

It was only like 8 o'clock, though, so i didn't want to go home. I felt rattled to the core, anxious and sad about whatever this is with my dad, lonely... because, well, i've been single for almost 3 flippin years now and feel each moment more ready to NOT be alone, and then lonely in the friend sense because even though i have some really wonderful, close, brilliant, beautiful soul friends here, i miss people so much sometimes it hurts. Ashliegh, Amanda, Lisa, Kyle, not to mention my sister... they're just all so far away, and sometimes all i want is to see their faces and in their presence just BE. it's where i'm most comfortable, but they're scattered all over the western hemisphere!

So, with my heart burdened and my mind spinning i decided to take a drive up into the mountains. i hear that running clears your head because the wind in your face is so crisp and cold and fast-moving. well, i don't go running. however, i can get ABOVE the city where no one can talk to me, bother me, distract me, help me. it's running in a less litera sense, but whatever works. i can't really go far because my poor little four cylinder car would hate me (probably to the point of blowing up in my face, literally). but i drove up to where there's a beautiful view of the city, leaned my driver seat back, looked up at the sky and out at the city, put some worship music on i hadn't listened to for a while and just laid there. i wish i could say that i calmly let my worries slip away as i handed them to God, but that's really not the truth.

Instead, i told Him how sad i am sometimes, how lonely and double minded. I asked Him what the heck's going on, and i wish He'd just DO something already. I told Him i know i'm being a whiny little child, asking for more from the only One who's ever loved me perfectly. I told Him i don't want to be this way, so weird and meloncholy and discontent. I go for weeks, months even, feeling completely satisfied, happy with my life because God's illuminating it and making everything worth it, and then one day everything crashes down. All i want on these days is for all this to be over. I'm not suicidal. I know maybe it sounds that way. But the truth is, i know that all the longings in me will be filled and rendered non existent when i'm with my Jehovah.

I realized while looking out my dirty window at the city a couple things: 1) my view of this life is exactly like looking out my window. i'm surrounded by love notes, beauty flooding every corner of this world, but i can only see through the dirty window of my tiny, dirty, selfish, constricted mind. no wonder i get angry. who likes dirty windows!? 2) everything on this earth, good or bad, contains an element of exlusion. when you choose anything, essentially you're NOT choosing the other. when you choose sinful pleasures, you're dismissing God's favor in your life. when you choose the Lord, it's a constant exclusion of hatred, self, and now-ness. when you choose to get married, you are lessening ties with some friends. when you move to a new place, even if it's the absolute right thing to do, you leave an old life behind. This may seem obvious to you, but to me it was an epiphany and made me want my Jesus more. Because He says that in Him is FULLNESS of joy. there's no shadow where He is, only light, more brilliant than the brightest day. He IS Love, not the absence or resistance to hate.

I know this post is all kinds of scattered. i don't care. maybe it more honestly reflects my state of mind.

i guess i'm just homesick. for my actual home in Heaven with AbbaFather and for the home i find in my dad, my family, my favorite friends.

oh, and p.s. the worship music DID draw my heart upward and away from myself. i drove down the mountain almost skipping inside, knowing that whatever the day's worries are, they're sufficient for the day, and i need not worry about tomorrow. also, i went to Shove Chapel on the CC campus, and there was a Taize Christian service going on there. it was strange to me, very different. there were songs in Latin and a lot of silence. i think i needed it after all that sobbing.