Okay, so as i write i am sitting at a vacant desk on the fourth floor of Compassion International's Global Ministry Center. I normally work down on the first floor, tucked away in a tiny little third of a cubicle with the rest of my team. It's relatively quiet there in SDP, a fact i normally am not fond of, but today, helping out with the phone center, with people talking all around me, freaked to death out of messing something up, i miss my little quiet production job! honestly, i can almost HEAR my own heart beating! i've taken probably 5 calls, changed the pattern of my questions/verifications every time, and forgot something on 2 of the calls! bah! i'm a pro at talking. what the heck! i pride myself on "hitting the ground running" but jeez oh peas, listening in on 3 phone calls then being given my own headset... i just feel a little under prepared. i'm sure it's just my nerves.
i realized yesterday that i'm getting kind of large group-a-phobic. kaycee asked me to go home to Salida with her family and emily for halloween. first of all, i'm not sure she invited me because i'm wanted there or because i happen to be there when her and Em were talking about the trip, but whatever. that's not the main deterrent to me going. you wanna know what is? the halloween party that's happening over the weekend with a bunch of kaycee's friends. she knows pretty much everyone in that tiny town anyway, or at least everyone knows her. it's just that i've never been a partier. in high school i didn't hang out with a group that partied. they saved that for college, and by that time, i'd moved on to a group whose main social activity was attempting to watch movies or do normal things but somehow always ended in ridiculousness (i.e. jumping off canal bridges, surfing down huge sand hills on old doors, pranking each other's houses, worshiping Jesus for hours at night and into the morning). needless to say, the party scene is simply not MY scene. and now that i've lived by myself for so long, i think i'm just very content to read a book, watch a tv show, go hang out with one of my few friends here and just BE. i feel not only awkward but inundated when i'm in large groups. i know i've got humor and general niceness on my side, but i still feel like the geek in the corner. i turn into a wallflower, and that is so odd. i feel like i'm going to turn into that guy in Can't Hardly Wait, overcompensating for my nervousness by drinking too much, yelling "i have no legs" and singing "Take Me Down to the Paradise City" over and over again!
i have a people problem, and i'm a people person dang it!
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