Quick Heart Update

So, for those of you with whom i'm not in semi-constant contact, this will be a post to generally catch you up on what God's been doing in my heart. It will be lengthy, and it will probably be wordier than is necessary. What do you expect!? that's how i roll.

The past two and a half years i've lived in Colorado, a state completely foreign to me upon having first moved here.

First let me say that by the time this fall rolls around, i will have lived here longer than i lived in Florida. that is SO odd. it doesn't seem that way. i think i spent the first 9 months i lived here simply mourning the past and the passing of an era. i didn't have many friends, and to be honest, just recently over the past year developed friendships that are growing me and setting me free to be myself. So i'm not sure i count that first year in any way but time-wise. still it's very odd to think i've been here longer. so much more seemed to have happened in my Florida years, a lot of bad and a LOT of good.

i just renewed my apartment's lease for another year. i had a mini panic attack. i realized i'd never lived in a place longer than a year. ransom house, beach house, hertha house, bella springs house, all for one year. so when this lease came up i started thinking "signing this will tie me down for another year. oh no. i don't want to HAVE to stay here. but i'm not going anywhere and i really love this place. it's so me. but what if..." and the inner battle raged on. so i simply psyched myself up and said "sign it Sam", signed my name in a flurry of pen, paper, and panic and put the lease in the office up front. ::sigh:: still kind of freaked out.

i think i'm much more of a free spirit in my head than i actually am

so anyway, the past year or so has been very growing.

God started by showing me that i relied on my friends in Florida for pretty much my whole spiritual identity. I'd wanted to be as patient and grace-giving as Ashliegh, as much of an intercessor as Kyle, and genuine as Lisa, and unwilling to put up with fluff as Zach. now let me just say that if i HAD to base my identity on certain people, these are probably the best people i could ever pick. honestly, i can't express how these people have aided in saving me. they've been Jesus at times, taking me back in when all i'd done is spit in their faces. they've tolerated my tears. tears that were really only caused by me and my disobedience. they tolerated and forgave my pride and biting words and flat out annoyingness, not to mention my constant forgetfulness when it comes to doing dishes. i feel like all these things add up to having saved me, the me who's anything good.

but regardless of all that, i am only a child of God. that's the only thing that remains, and i'd been prostituting myself all along by aligning myself with a group identity. it was me taking Pharaoh's second to last offer: "ill let you go, but don't go far", instead of the one He'd intended. So... like a jealous God, He's took away what stood between us. i've been living alone for 2 years now. i have my two cats, my 600 (or less) square foot apartment, have started reading a ton, and stay in far more than i go out. i was lonely, lonelier than i've ever been before, and i cried out to God for friends, for anyone to occupy my time. for months, over a year probably. i didn't know what to do with the silence. and He said to me (in way not exact words) "why are you trying so hard to fill your life with things that are meaningless. i'm all you need. i'm right here." He had to out stubborn me.

i was broken. he's still fixing.

then He decided that since i'd finally seen the ugly truth about myself, that i'd seen myself completely wrong. and the beautiful truth, that i'm HIS favorite, that He'd start showing me my darkness.

things He's shown me that i didn't even know were there, and certainly not in the crazy portions they're in: pride, defensiveness that really IS pride, judgementalness toward snooty Christians (which is just another way of being snooty), complete lack of discipline, more pride, lust, covetousness, complete lack of patience, entitlement, total inability to guard my heart.

and the list keeps growing and repeating.

i'm so glad, and sometimes i'm so angry! i asked to be closer to my Lord, and the only way is to lessen the sin between us. but in that process is tearing and flailing and dying. sometimes i'm overcome with my depravity and i feel like asking for the scales to be put back on my eyes, but i don't dare. my God and Master finally is my Lover. i finally get that. and i've wanted it my whole life. i dare not turn away, especially to salvage this self.

so anyway, long long long way of telling you what's been going on in my heart over the past years. but feel relieved knowing it could've been WAY longer.